TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city historically recognized for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed with the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally out of area. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But yes, sure, let us have A further put the place American Adult males can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst preceding negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: provide Every person a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he should really cease applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from space, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is already attracting interest from Intercontinental investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will likely incorporate:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort the place my PTSD can have turn-down company."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

Report this page